First off: Holy shit my front door needs a wash and some paint! I’d hate for you to see what it looks like inside. Which is why I didn’t invite you. So don’t ring my effing bell. You see, I’m firmly against The Pop In.
Did I call you? Did you call me? Did we say to each other “Let’s get together!” ? And did I say: “Yes! MY house! THIS time! I’ll even answer the door instead of pretending I forgot and hiding in the basement! I’ll be ready, and vacuum, and do my dishes, and stuff all my laundry and clutter into my bedroom and lock that door from the inside only to be reopened by a bobby pin later so you never know. Sure! Come over! By appointment only! Exact time!” ?
Did I say that stuff? Did I say it twice? Did I reconfirm by text or email the day before?
Fuck off then.
Because if none of that stuff happened I am not READY for you and I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE IN MY HOME.
Let me tell you why:
1. I am exhausted. I have three kids and we do lots of stuff in the run of the day and chances are if you’re popping in you’re infringing on my coffee/tea (more likely wine/beer) drinking, bra free time. Go to Hell. My husband just got home from a 10 hour shift. He doesn’t want to see you either, wearing only his boxer briefs no less.
2. My house is a mess. See above re: three kids, one husband. It’s embarrassing to be caught unawares in my natural dishes piled, laundry strewn state. I need time to fake like I do stuff. STOP TRYING TO OUT MY BAD HOUSEWIFERY !!!!!!!!!!!
3. Chances are if you’re popping in you’ve got your kid with you. Which means this thing is going to turn into a play date and you’re going to WAY outstay your welcome. And I will learn to resent you for it and it will eat away at me while I vent about you on private facebook groups (fuck I still HATE that person guys!). Inconsiderate much? And chances are if you don’t have your kid with you you’re here for some adult time and I DON’T HAVE THAT TO GIVE. Unless your name is Scott and we’re getting R rated. Again, he doesn’t want you here either! And you’ll talk and talk and ignore my signals and go on and on and pour more coffee oblivious to the fact that my kids are going full Lord of the Flies in the background and bed time was AN HOUR AGO and now you’ve completely screwed me for tomorrow too but you won’t SHUT UP AND GIVE ME AN IN TO TELL YOU! (Fuck, you guys, I seriously still hate that person….)
4. Or maybe you’re a single guy friend of my husband’s that mistakes me for your mother and figure I’ll feed you if you stick around long enough? FUCK OFF. I can’t cook. My children are feral and free range the garden out back. Now go home, look up feral on dictionary.com, and never come back, m’kay?
5. Or maybe you want to talk about how your God is better than my God? And give me some literature on that? No, not going to your church that doesn’t recognize birthdays, I’m far too selfish and my God is fairly forgiving of that. So take ten steps back and forget you were here.
6. Or maybe you want me to switch political parties? Good luck with that! (Slams door in face)
7. Or maybe you want to sell me some shit for my life? Meet my large dog! And rabid cheap husband.
8. You want money for WHAT charity/ fundraiser!? Again, refer to three kids and cheap husband. I’m broke. Sorry about your diabetes though, truly. (Packs hand basket for Hell)***
I could go on and on, but let me just underline everything by saying that at the end of the day popping in on someone unannounced is just rude. It’s bad manners. Don’t go to someone’s house unannounced unless you found their baby in the street and want to return it. Even then, only before 8:00pm. Otherwise you’re imposing upon someone and that’s just not cool. Ask The Modern Manners Guy and note his use of the word “burden.”
Then after you’re done reading get the Hell away from my door.
***I will never ever say “no” to a fundraising child at my door. I’m not a total monster. Plus they’re not interested in staying, they just want to get that shit over with too.