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Having a kitty in the house has increased the amount of times I wake up yelling, “you fucker!” by 340598340598340985%.

My mornings used to be relatively peaceful and slow moving. All my kids are out of the intense “get up and gogogogogogogo!!!!” ages of 0-6. They are independent in the kitchen, meaning, they can scrounge together basic meals for themselves without images of a severed finger or burned limb popping up in my mind. They love sleeping in and I love sleeping in, so we all sleep in whenever possible. Finally, I thought to myself, finally I’ve reached the golden age of mornings with my kids!

And then we got a kitty.

I’m not a cat person, so ever having one was never on my “To Do” list of possibilities. But then we were traveling through Utah when our beloved shih tzu was hit by a car and died. Not knowing what to do in that situation, I made a bunch of frantic calls to pet businesses in the area to see how they would handle a sudden tragic death and the resulting dog body that I needed to take care of. A wonderful woman who runs a dog kennel in the mountains came to my rescue and put Frito Bandito in her pet cemetery. While there, my youngest daughter found a little kitten. The wonderful woman told us that the kitten’s entire family had been attacked and killed by raccoons or something. As if we weren’t crying enough.

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So I didn’t make my daughter put her down, we didn’t leave her in Utah, and that wasn’t the end of the story. We brought her home with us, which in this case meant smuggling her into Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas for a previously planned weekend there first.

You’d think that such a cute little thing would be so grateful that we saved her poor little life by rescuing her, that she would cuddle and love and purr and snuggle with us forever.

Instead, she’s turned out to be quite a fucker.

At first we named her “Kit Kat”. That was before we knew her personality. We changed it to “Honey Badger” when we realized she doesn’t give a shit. She just wants what she wants. I guess cats are known for this kind of attitude…but never having a cat and until very recently owning a dog, this has been quite a shock.

She has completely changed my mornings.

First, she stalks me all night. While I’m sleeping in bed. You can imagine, there’s not much to “stalk” until my hand drops to the side of the bed, or my arm drapes itself outside of under the covers. Honey Badger is quiet and still until those things happen, and then springs into action the second she sees bare skin. Claws, teeth, tongue…I feel it all. But her very very favorite thing to do is sit on the bed from 4-7 am and wait to pounce on one of the most sensitive areas of the human body…the foot/toes. I give you exhibit A…the 4 stages of toe stalking:

observe, get into position, focus, pounce like a motherfucker. Do this over and over and over again until about 7:30 am, at which point stop, realize how tiring it is being such a bitch kitty, and go to sleep on top of the person you’ve been stalking all night. Position yourself in ways that makes it impossible for her to get up to pee.

Make loud purring noises that perfectly balance the teeth grinding of the littlest human sleeping next you you.

Smile at how clever you are.

It would seem that my good morning decreases in direct proportion to Honey Badger’s enjoyment of them.

It would seem that my golden age of easy breazy mornings is now over.

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  1. Kate #
    March 15, 2012

    The Family Cat (that was actually mine because she absolutely hated everyone else in my family except me) would do that to my toes, too. And she would stalk and pounce on my kids’ heads whenever they’d walk by the recliner that she used to sit on the top of.

    She looked exactly like Snoopy perched on top of his dog house. Except she was a cat. And a mighty mean one at that. ; )

    • March 15, 2012

      Cats…I really need to read a manual on them…LOL. I love your description of your mean snoopy, haha

  2. March 15, 2012

    I have to admit, I’m really happy Mark is allergic to cats. I’d either become a Crazy Cat lady or all my cats would be bitches.

  3. jess lewis #
    March 15, 2012

    i have been fighting the urge to get a cat, the kids want one so badly. i can’t decide if this post helps in any way or not.

  4. March 15, 2012

    I laughed and laughed. HB is having a freeplaylife! HB is following your instructions for being Awesome. I love her smiling self-portrait, but when will HB post a picture of her ass? HB is my hero. And she *will* settle down. Really.

  5. Jill #
    March 15, 2012

    We have two cats right now: ours and the Girls. Gilly (ours) snuggles all the time because she is so old. Olive (the Girls) knocks over shit all the time because she can. I’m so ready to be cat-free. Maybe Honey Badger is just going through a phase . . . one can hope!

  6. March 15, 2012

    If it helps at all cats are kind of like kids and they (mostly) grow out of it. That said, if I’m being completely honest, I’m kind of sort of looking forward to when we’re cat free. She has destroyed our couch, our door, and has peed on more things than I want to count. They’re such assholes. We’re at 12 years with this one, but knowing our luck she’ll be the one that lives until she’s in her 20’s.

  7. Kate #
    March 15, 2012

    You know what really makes cats bearable? Obesity. We have three cats; voluntarily took on two, then one came with our house. The two fat ones are lazy and mellow. The skinny one is absolutely mental – wanders the house all night meowing; meows in that deep bowels-of-hell-are-opening-up voice for at least an hour before she poops (at least once a day we catch ourselves yelling “for the love of god, Lucy, go and take a shit and shut up”). So we’re feeding her a lot in hopes she’ll fatten up and chill out.

  8. March 16, 2012

    We almost caved and got a cat a few months ago. Thanks goodness I realized that I would regret it. I think Honey Badger’s the shit and all, but I’m really a dog person. A bitchy cat would not have fit well into this household.

  9. joelynnej #
    March 20, 2012

    Our last cat Poosey used to attack the children’s cloth diapers. While they were on the children. All cats are reincarnated psychopaths, I swear.

  10. March 23, 2012

    lol, it isn’t called ‘catitude’ for nothing. 🙂

  11. March 25, 2012

    use a water spray when she does something wrong…

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