Tiffani “99% Sure She’s Addicted to Facebook” Michele

It’s hard for me to speak ill of facebook, considering how obsessed I am with it. Say what you will…love or hate it…you can’t deny it’s been the biggest leap forward for stay at home moms since dishwashers, washer/dryers, and wine in juice boxes were invented. Now, when I’m neck deep in laundry and quarantined with a sick kid, I can still interact with friends (without talking on my phone…an activity that brings kids running from miles around to interrupt and start begging for random things). Because let’s face it. My social life kind of stopped when I popped my kids out. Especially when they were under 3. Breastfeeding is a short leash, as is a kid who is co sleeping, as is all the housework involved in maintaining a crew of stinky, rambunctious, enthusiastic, curious, demanding kids. Kids who act like little drunk people without actually being drunk. I’m the the designated driver in charge of driving this clown car…staying sober(ish), cleaning up urine and vomit, trying to push clear fluids and healthy food, keeping them from harming themselves or others (my sister’s 2 year old totally slapped another 2 year old girl the other day, for getting too close to his assorted “Cars” trucks), and trying to figure out what they’re saying from slurred words. All that on a normal day. After doing all that, I lack the energy and motivation to do anything else.

This is not what annoys me, though. So let me try to get back on track. The combination of moving a lot and having kids the last 15 years is the perfect storm of not having super close friends around. A lot of my friends are either in other states or in their own homes trying to counterbalance anarchy on the homefront. This isn’t even what annoys me, though, ever since Facebook came along. Now I have 24/7 access to friends and family near and far. I have a variety of ‘mom’s night out’ equivalent get togethers in the fancy facebook groups options. I can see who else is struggling to come up with a good dinner based on leftovers, who is stuck waiting with their sick kid in the doctors office, who is celebrating a quick nap and quicker shower while the kids are self entertained and happy.

And this, ironically, is what annoys me. People on Facebook. Especially people who fall for this:

Everything about this is pointedly annoying and makes me feel like Facebook is made up of an army of bitter divorced females. Actually, I am a bitter divorced female and I’m still not dead enough inside to form a page called “Being Alone Is Better Than Being Hurt In Love”. What the fuck?! If a picture like this pops up in my feed because someone I know has actually liked it, it’s grounds for friend removal. Unfortunately, two of the people who liked this one are actually family members, so sometimes I’m stuck with it. This is one of the worst facebook offenses. Sad pictures of animals or kids in all manner of terrible conditions, with the crappy tagline, “like if you want to see them healed! Don’t like if you are a heartless bitch and a terrible human being!” It’s like those terrible forwarded emails (forward this within 5 seconds if you want to live a happy life! Ignore if you want to be poor and sad!) except worse because there are just so many of these in circulation.

I know some people complain about “The Bore”…people who post about anything and everything under the sun–usually mundane shit like “I’m going grocery shopping for milk”. I actually don’t mind this. I feel solidarity with those kinds of updates. Listen, life isn’t all raves and panty raids and drunken shenanigans. When someone posts about their boring life, I feel good about the days when I’m doing more upkeep (groceries, laundry, cleaning) than anything else exciting. I realize that even my boringest days are a carnival compared to other people’s.

“The Sopranos”: family members that you just can’t get rid of and unfriend or else the rest of the family will be all over your ass. This is what the custom filter feature is for. Yes, you can be friends. No, they don’t have to see anything you update. It’s not natural for extended family to be so closely up in each others business. It’s the equivalent of letting your mom read your journal every day in high school. No good can come of it. Boundaries!

“The Whiner”: You get the feeling everywhere these people go, they carry a black cloud of doom and sorrow with them. According to their updates, nothing goes right, nothing works out, and living in the world is a chore. One day I read this on a friends update: “Want to see a movie. No one to go with. Alone, again. :(” What annoys me the most about this isn’t that they’re “the glass is so empty there’s no more liquid in it for to even be half empty” people, but that it makes me laugh so hard. At them. And I try to be a nice person, so when this happens I feel like a real asshole.

“The Eraser”: They post something. They erase it. Half a day to a week later, what you knew was there is suddenly gone. It’s like they are erasing their tracks so no one can follow them. If people can’t commit to a facebook update and stick with it, I don’t trust them. That’s shifty and self censoring. I don’t care how drunken and compromising or boring and pointless your updates were, you have to own that shit. If you can’t face and accept the reality of your own facebook updates, what else are you hiding?

“The Vaguebooker”: These people have obvious issues, but you’re never sure about what. Specific enough that you understand they’re pissed off/done wrong/annoyed/exasperated/disappointed, but vague enough that you don’t know the who/what/when/where/why. Listen. If you’re going to take the time to update, make it count. Tag people in your post. Call douchey people out by name. Give me something to work with, otherwise your whole facebook page reads like the lyrics of a generic and terribly written song in the country western genre. Plus, it makes me paranoid. I assume everyone is thinking and talking about me constantly and this just feeds into my paranoia.

“The Bizarro You”: They’re exactly like you in everything they post and like…if you were exactly opposite of who you are. They’re the Christian Right to your Liberal Left (or vice versa). Everything they post is an offensive smack against human decency and common sense. It’s so off track of everything you believe in and how you think the world works, you wonder how it is you even know them. In fact, the only reason you remain friends with them is because you can’t quite take them seriously…maybe they’re writing “ironically” or will eventually put a “just kidding!” post up.

“The Oversharer”: one word. TMI.

“The ‘Ville Requesters”: I want to call up everyone who game requests me with these crazy games and offer to give them something to do that actually benefits society. Like, doing my laundry and cleaning my bathrooms.

“The Life Coach”: I love all the inspirational quotes on facebook. I do not love an entire feed of them, all shared and posted every 10 seconds. Stop cluttering up my news feed with Rumi, it makes it hard for me to get to the meat of facebook: gossip and drunken updates.

Facebookers that don’t annoy me:

The Drunkbooker

What about you? How do you feel about Facebook? Does anything in particular annoy you?



Post a comment
  1. September 5, 2012

    I love FB too! Too much sometimes. I love what you said about it being a great thing for SAHMs – so true! And also agree that it’s way better than the phone.

    Here’s a similar post I did this year:

  2. aknelkaiser #
    September 5, 2012

    The ‘Ville Requester’ – Really want to have revenge to this group, but there are too many of them. It’s just like taking a war with the whole army of Rome. Duhh…

  3. September 5, 2012

    Love this. I have a great aunt who constantly posts “inspirational” photos. Ugh. But, she does give the rest of the on-Facebook family something to talk about!

  4. September 5, 2012

    “The passive-agressive angry spouse”: I get it, you guys have issues… big big issues. What I don’t get is why you’re telling those issues to the entire world instead of to each other or a therapist.

    “The political junkie”: I appreciate you have an opinion, and it’s not even that I agree or disagree with it, but if I wanted to read a thousand posts about how awesome libertarianism is I’d go to one of the three websites you’re constantly linking to. Consider yourself hidden.

  5. kate #
    September 5, 2012

    I get annoyed with the person who posts FB updates during emergencies. “Just called the ambulance, headed to the ER. Poor baby boy”…or “daycare lost A and we don’t know where he is”. Note to idiots: If you child requires emergency care, it’s likely he requires his mother’s attention. If you child is lost somewhere in the city, put down the farking ‘phone and go find him. Your status update doesn’t make us all think “poor kid, he fell down the stairs”, no, we’re thinking “poor kid, strangers are sticking him with needles and his mama won’t get the fuck off facebook”

  6. September 5, 2012

    Ah, Facebook . . . such a fun tool in every sense of the words. Gotta love those vague postings 🙂 And people need to lay off of the the “Repost if you think this is beautiful” because I don’t feel like an ass for not. If I won’t forward my mom’s emails saying that I love the Lord, I probably won’t repost your photo of a kid going through chemo.

  7. September 6, 2012

    this was AMAZING. we all totally know all of these people, and my man is currently dealing with a bizarro you so clearly like what you wrote that we were cracking up. thanks for this.

  8. September 6, 2012

    I have a love hate relationship with the FB. It’s the most weird and wonderful place.

    Tiff, this really had me rolling. You have FB pinned to perfection!

  9. September 6, 2012

    Love this! I have far too many Soprano family members. I am thankful someone else understands.

  10. September 6, 2012

    i needed this good laugh you gave me sweetie!!!!!

  11. sidemtess #
    September 6, 2012

    Thanks so much for the good laugh you just gave me sweetie!!!!

  12. September 6, 2012

    Ok, so all of the reasons you outlined are why I may just be the last person on the planet not on FB.
    I see the annoying stuff and the stuff that downright freaks me out – like that FB makes it easy for people I’ve fallen out of touch with on purpose to find me, or that distant relatives could get all up in my business, and the plus side sort of eludes me.

  13. kathy #
    September 7, 2012

    I’m going straight to hell according to those facebook you better “like” pictures. According to them I want little kids to die, dogs to be abused, and believe Jesus does not exist. So maybe I’m not going to hell…hmmmmm

    • September 10, 2012

      Bwahahaaaaa, I’m gonna be a total bitch and add my biggest FB pet peeve to this list, it looks something like this:
      “I have the best husband in the world. He let me sleep late, he made me breakfast in bed, he knitted a blanket for the baby, he put the toilet seat down, he made a scrapbook for my mother and he gave me a foot rub. Thanks honey”

      Makes me vomit a little. Ok a lot.

  14. Sandra #
    September 11, 2012

    IDK for sure but I think you’re falling into “The Whiner” category here!

  15. September 11, 2012

    oh, i get political on fb for sure. i have a certain demographic i’m trying to annoy. the good thing is that when i’m doing that i’m also drunkbooking.

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