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Tiffani “chew with your mouth closed” Michele

I like to pretend nothing bothers me, so this month of annoyances is kind of a hard one for this girl. All the other O+U girls brainstormed an astounding number of things that piss them off, and it’s frankly one reason why I love them so much. These bitches are fierce, and while they each handle their anger/aggravation in different ways, each of them own that shit like bosses.

I do not own my shit like a boss. I pretend I don’t have shit that gets under my skin and carry on with a torturous smile plastered on my face until one day I find myself with an unbearable migraine level headache and an empty flask of whiskey before 9:30 am. Clearly, I need some help with accepting all emotions and not just “the good ones”.

So, I’ll own up to something that drives me completely psychotically nuts.

Loud chewers.

Don’t underestimate the intense feelings that loud chewers brings out of me.

I can filter out the high decibel temper tantrums of kids, annoying Kidz Bop songs, dudes yelling over the booming TV set during sports, and drunk people loud talking in my ear while I’m trying to enjoy a beer at the local bar. But heaven help you if I’m sitting in a movie theatre and you are smacking your way through a bag of popcorn. I don’t even know why they sell popcorn in movies…is there any louder more obnoxious food to eat while in a theatre?

I don’t know if this is nature or nuture…as a kid I heard “chew with your mouth closed” at least 23432 times a day, so I’m led to believe my mom had this particular sensitivity. Except I was young and misunderstood her directive. There was a long span of time when I attempted to eat my food with my mouth closed and without chewing. It was tough. In any case, I don’t know if my hyperawareness of my own chewing made me pay more attention to other people’s chewing or if I just have a genetic predisposition to want to bind and gag anyone who is eating food at an unnecessarily loud audible level.

Even if you are chewing with your mouth closed, you can be a loud chewer, and I can hear that shit too. I can hear if you are chewing with a jaw pop. I can hear you if you are chewing with a teeth grind or click. I can hear you if you are chewing softly but are breathing loudly after every masticated food particle is swallowed. I can hear every lip smack and grunt. I hear all, and I judge all.

Often I can’t focus on movies because everyone around me is destroying my experience through distracting popcorn/peanut M&M chewing. Sometimes at restaurants I have to change seats to get away from the noise of other people’s thoughtless chews. I’ll slide down the bar to distance myself from a loud eater. Always I look at the person/people with a glare until I have to look away in disgust.

I know, it’s not their problem, it’s mine.

But seriously, it’s like noise pollution.

So keep this in mind when eating:

take small bites!
chew with your mouth closed!
never eat popcorn unless it’s heavily softened with butter!
avoid loud chewing foods like nachos in favor of chew friendly foods like pasta.
if your breathing changes while eating, you’re eating too fast.
eat slower!

I, and all the other sensitively well meaning and yet possibly insane loud chewer haters will love you for it. If you can’t change your chewing behavior, then at least offer me a couple shots before dinner. That may take the edge off.

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  1. Erin #
    September 11, 2012

    My husband has this annoying click/pop thing going on when he chews. When it happens, I glare. I have asked him several hundred times if he has to make that “clicky” noise while chewing. He does not even notice it. Luckily, it only happens sometimes otherwise I would have to be seriously weighing my options.

  2. September 11, 2012

    uh, yeah. me, too.

  3. Mountain Mama #
    September 11, 2012

    “I hear all and I judge all”. Brilliant!!

    You would kill my father-in-law . . . . . .

  4. September 11, 2012

    I have two of the loudest chewers in the history of the world for roommates. I can sometimes tune it out but on occasion I end up screaming “YOU ARE SO LOUD!” when i just cannot handle it anymore.

  5. September 11, 2012

    My grandmother is a loud chewer. Family dinners are like torture.

  6. September 11, 2012

    Also, people who pick food out of their teeth with their fingers. People, please don’t do this in the presence of another. For the love of god. Just don’t.

  7. September 11, 2012

    THIS. probably one of my biggest pet peeves (henry’s, too) and one of the main reasons i also despise gum. and i know EXACTLY where this pet peeve originated. i can’t have a meal with certain people because of this.

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