Cleaning. Deep cleaning. The kind of cleaning normally attributed to a pregnant woman two weeks out from her due date. Top to bottom. Every room, closet, drawer, and shelf purged with great intensity. I’m not preggers…just a woman transforming.
Truthfully, it began a few weeks ago. With the exception of my iPhone, I stopped shooting. No digital. No film. Nada. No desire to lift a camera. That’s when I knew something was shifting within me….changing. Glancing at my film camera, I honestly couldn’t recall what I’d loaded. Portra or Fuji? Hmm…. I almost never leave the house without a camera. More often than not, I have two cameras with me in addition to the iPhone because …why not? More options people!
I’ve felt quiet lately. Still. Maybe a little lost. Inspired by others, but no urge to hold a camera in my hands. A handful of project ideas, but nothing from the soul. Years ago, I would have forced it. I would have obsessed. I would have searched for a deeper meaning. Not this time around. No, this time I stayed with the silence. This time I let go. I let my mind wander. ….And then came the overwhelming urge to clean and organize every square inch of our home. A turning point. Change. For me, it always begins like this…transforming a physical space. And then the answers gradually surface….slowly….
I’ve been thinking about self portraits lately, which is really saying something because I loathe taking them. I’ve been thinking about multiple exposures. I’ve been thinking about the Lensbaby that’s buried deep in my photography bag. I’ve been thinking about rigging some lighting in my basement to play with. Change. I can feel something beginning to bend and shift within…a transformation. Stay tuned.
This past week I finished that roll of film in my Pentax. I guessed Portra 400. Turns out it was Fuji 200. Somehow, I think it’ll be just fine. It felt good to be shooting with it again.