By Carmen Farrell
I like sex. I like it a lot. I’ve been with my guy 19 years and we’ve been whooping it up for most of that time. The beginning was exciting and animalistic. A big chunk of the middle was taken up by creating, then caring for new life (…man, pregnancy sex is good. Were it not for the tiny human you’re left with after 9 months, I’d consider being pregnant constantly). And now we’re in a new phase. He’s fixed…so no pink lines for us to worry about, there are no more small people wedged between us at 4 am, and my boobs are mine once again and not “family” property. So the sky’s the limit in the whoopee department, right? Maybe. You see, despite the fact that I like sex, sometimes it just feels like work.
You have to wind down from your day; turn off mommy mode, and get into sexy mode. Push away any new to do list items that pop up randomly. Stop worrying about whether that rustle you heard in the other room means a kid is awake and can hear you. It was so much easier in my younger years to turn off my mind and just be in the moment. Now it’s something I have to work at. Us modern day chicas keep a lot of balls up in the air, don’t we?
So you know what really feels like the ultimate gift? A good, old-fashioned wet dream. It’s like you’re mind’s giving you a freebie. “Hey girl, just lay there, sleeping peacefully, and I’ll rock your body like nobody’s business, and leave you to bask in the afterglow.” It’s great. You’re left feeling woozy and wonderful and you didn’t have to raise a finger…literally.
I knew that dudes had them. As a kid, the boys in the schoolyard would toss around vague references, but I had no clue they were even a girly thing until my hormones began to rage and they started happening to me. Man, was I glad they started happening to me!
Let me tell you about my
most memorable weirdest wet dream. Well, actually, I won’t really tell you about “it” because that would just be embarrassing – and this ain’t no 50 Shades novel, anyway. I was probably 17. I woke up mid-orgasm and quickly went from feeling like I was flying to feeling like I was going to barf. In that moment, my dream came at me in full HD….in my mind, I’d been doing “it” with Dom DeLuise. Yup, what may have been one of the best orgasms of my life was brought on by a much older, overweight, often sweaty, bearded comedian who I’d seen peddling Ziploc bags on TV throughout my childhood. It certainly wasn’t the Brad Pitt/Tom Cruise/Johnny Depp trifecta that had starred in my fantasies previously. Let me tell you, it was hard to get back to sleep after that. To this day, the memory still brings a mixture of horror and excitement. He may not have been my first pick, but he got the job done.
Nowadays, my wet dreams happen very infrequently (and they’ve never again starred Mr. DeLuise)….but when they do, I feel like I’ve hit the jackpot.